you know. i never thought it would end up like this.
that people actually dont like me.
4-5 years ago that would have been completely unheard of.
angel? unliked? has the world come to an end?
no it has not. circumstances have changed. and all social rules have been broken.
the queen has been dethroned from her high and mighty chair.
the one who once overlooked everything is now looked down upon.
but the importance is not that she has been cast to the side.
oh no, importance lies in if the queen overthrows the new monarchy and reigns power again. indeed.

blah

do you ever really wonder where you really went wrong?
when the light stop shining? and the clock stop ticking?
everyday i wonder how day by day i change so drastically and remain unchanged.
its like im standing here, frozen in time, lost among a crowd, just floating around.
all around me everythings a blur, just a blur of people, just a blur of sound.
inside my head i hear voices crying out, like the demons of hell telling me to stop.
but then i see a light, a light far away, beckening me to go, to run far away.
i never want to stop, yet i cant run away, so i stand rooted to this spot, til this very day.
the gears in my head are spinning away, trying to figure out how i got this way.
my breathing becomes shallow from the many wasted years, the weight of my conscience is mainly in tears.
yet tears and disappointment weigh more than theift.
i wonder when the day will come, when i finally rest.

i know i've most likely had this revelation many times before. but here it comes again.
it came to me when i was watching a clip from xman on youtube.
tablo, junjin & some other guy. one girl left. all of them do not pick her.
when the men are rejected. they crawl back.
each with the excuse of having made bad friends.
so this what this is about. having made bad friends.
bad friends that change your life.
derail you from your goals.
blind you with sweet words and smiles.
and naively you believe them.
because you're young and trusting.
then the world crashes down around you.
and they tell you its your own fault.
that you brought upon yourself.
again, naively you believe them.
because you think they're your friends.
you continue to walk the same path.
the light behind you becomes dimmer and dimmer.
you stop when there is only a speck left.
you realize you've reached the end.
you're standing on the cliff of everlasting hope.
and you are about to plunge into the cold, piercing sea of reality.
one step followed by another.
this isnt where you are supposed to be.
this isnt the life you are supposed to live.
friends arent supposed to be banned from seeing you.
people arent supposed to look at you like a failure.
slowly the sound of steps quicken.
only the sound of heels clicking on the ground can be heard.
soon the clicking fades out and is replaced by the soft steps of runners.
faster and faster you run.
against the evil things that people say.
against the dark spirits that try to hold you back.
out of breath, body pushed to its limit, you continue to run.
the light doesnt get brighter and gradually begins to flicker.
do you make it before all hope is snuffed out?

having two goals that are on completely opposite ends of the spectrum are hard to achieve.
to pour all my savings into my voice.
and all my concentration on school.
to split my time 50/50.
to two things that are so far from each other.
sometimes i wonder if im doing the right thing by persuing my dreams.
sometimes i feel that its within my grasp.
sometimes i feel its a fleeting memory.
sometimes i just dont know what to feel.
and yet i keep persuing. keep chasing. keep dreaming.
some say im a dreamer and that i will bring around a new age.
that seems highly unlikely.
some say im a hero and that i must be admired.
no shouldnt be admired..
some say im brilliant and only i could orchastrate some of the unexplained situations.
this is possible.
some say im a failure and that i will never amount to anything in life.
maybe you're right.
or maybe you're wrong.
i have been to the other end of tartarus and back.
i have seen the things too early for my age.
maybe you were the one that made me the way i am today?
perhaps. my individuality was not enough to combat the pressure to conform to society.
perhaps. society was not in the right mind to combat the onslaught of change brought on by media. communication. technology.
perhaps. mankind wasn't ready for change.
sometimes. i wonder.
its a very thin line between a tortured genius and a jerk. very thin.
humor my ramblings.

p e r f e c t i o n < 3

the truth of expectations and the lie of words

its true what people say.

when you have no expectations, you suffer no disappointments.

yes its true. sadly i should have listened.
my birthday passed. and i've only received one present. sent all the way from hongkong. one i know is coming. and the others are just excuses.
"i cant buy it because its at school and school is on strike. i had it picked out too =( maybe i'll buy it after. maybe."
"i dont have it because blah blah blah backfired."

i should have stuck to my instincts and expected what i expect every year. nothing. absolutely nothing. an insincere happy birthday wish was enough.
18th birthday. for my 18th birthday just enough isnt enough.
of course i realize im throwing a spaz a little late. but better late than never. about nine days late, but of late i have been busy. just slightly.
and no. i am not PMSing. because i am not on my period. i am not.
it is sad when one must sucuumb to expect nothing in order to have no disappointments. what are the standards of the world today? had i not received that package today i would not have thrown a fit now. a friend all the way in hongkong sends a birthday gift overseas, while the ones send absolutely nothing.

perhaps i should get new friends.
or perhaps i should lower my expectations to below zero.

p e r f e c t i o n < 3

BIRTHDAY WISHLIST =]

soooo people have been asking me what i want for my birthday. and its strange because ive never been asked what i want soooo heres my list =)

[  ] new mic (not hand held. you know those pretty pro looking ones)

[  ] a stuffed animal that says FROM VIN =] (dude i will totally take that purple hippo off you cause i know you love it so much =])

[  ] something to play music on

[  ] a new job (cmon people. hook ups)

[  ] new jeans

[  ] getting signed to a company!!! ><

[  ] a small (surprise) get together with close friends?

yeahh i just realized its a pretty crap list but. there it is =) add more later?

< 3

so yeah. once again it has totally been forever since i made a post. i stopped cause i didnt know anyone read these. NOWWW I DO. so here we go.

sometimes i wonder why i do the things i do. like going to school for instance. i dont want to go yet i worked so hard to get back into school. i wonder why i even bother to apply to companies. sure people think im good. but if companies dont think i am than what chance do i have? plus lately. my brain has just broken. straight out broke. i have also been eating non stop. and not even exercising. not even WALKING. like. how fail is that? its so complicated. this blog isnt even going anywhere but i keep going.

avex auditions are on right now. avex star search for america. and avex world auditions for the rest of the world. dead line to get the video in by is november 28th. yeah. i unno. like yeah i'm gonna apply but im already breaking the rules since they say you need to know at least conversational japanese. i know none. nada. zip.  other than arigatou gosaimasu & a few other phrases i know nothing. and i dont plan to waste my time learning unless i get picked. hey if they pick me and expect me to know japanese i'll just say... i didnt expect to get choosen.

also next month. november 11th. my birthday. i wonder if anyone will remember this year. probably not. or few. i doubt isaac is gonna call and tell me happy birthday this year. honestly he probably wont even rmb. yeah. i'm not expecting a call from him this year. i think last year he was the only one who especially called me to say happy birthday. steve says he'll rmb. i dont think he will. but its okay. =) i dont really care. its just a birthday. as long as i rmb how old i am thats fine. that way i wont fill out forms wrong =D come to think about it. i didnt get presents last year either.

sooo thats it. for now. i know. boring life. blah.

p e r f e c t i  o n < 3

Wow, was just looking at pictures from import fest i forgot i even put up.

i was so pretty. im not even joking. i feel so stupid now. always obsessing about image, my face, "love".

funny how its FINALLY dawning on me that i actually am pretty. and that i'm getting old. 18. in november.

sure it sounds like its a long ways away now but in a blink of an eye. its here. and your no longer 17.

you're no longer a teenager..no...you are a young adult. adult....

i remember a few months ago, being an immature child on the inside i was still saying "im ONLY turning 18!"

but now i see. eighteen is a damn big number. i cant believe that import fest was just a puny 2 years ago.

i look at those pictures and i look nothing like that. the girl in those pictures resembles nothing of who i am today.

that girl is focused, assured, bright future ahead. i am lost, insecure and aimlessly wandering without direction to a goal that may be out of reach.

strange that such a difference can come from 2 years.

the dreams of a child, in the body of a young adult. determined but yet not enough passion. not enough reason.

what is my reason? really...? to show i can do it? just because?

no....because. i was born for it. because i am willing to give away every i have for it.

willingness to sacrifice everything i have... is that not enough passion?

as it seems so...for it does not propel me very far.

i am still here. and they are there.

but one of these days. i will be there, with them. in the dark. slowly becoming and growing into who they will be.

and when i emerge, the world will welcome me with open arms.

failure will not be accepted.

p e r f e c t i o n < 3

So today. im on my period. fun. fun fun fun. and its made me really tired. made me wake up super early. forced me to take a nap at 5 so i dont collapse. hmm. its fun being a girl. so so so much fun. I am so moody its not even funny. I'm probably as bad as a pregnant woman... minus the morning sickness. Oh? whats that i hear in the background? arguing. more arguing. so my family is arguing with each other again. sounds fine and dandy. i dont know... you can probably figure out something is wrong with me by how boring and unorganized this blog is. nothing connects. just typing whatever seems to flow thru my fingers. look im not even bothering with punctuation.

so im watching tv. watched csi season finale. great. fun. greys anatomy afterwards. oh that was fun. no im not being sarcastic. im jsut. blah.

blahhhhh

p e r f e c t i o n < 3

Ohhh to come to a realization.

The realization that being a show model is not that bad because you look good up close. sans Photoshop. Sure you don't look like you walked out of a magazine but you look fantastic still. Your tiny waist? its really there. its not Photoshop-ed. your long slender legs? yup, they're actually that long. sure i may not be 5'7, white, blond hair, blue eyes, with eastern european features. but I'm real... sure I may never make it as a Victoria Secret model but I'm a model none the less. so in your face world!

next realization.

So. my friends. they get mad when their friends flop on them or what not. wow get over. you feel bad? happens to me all the time. you don't see me going around all the time screaming at people "ohemgee my friends ditched me I'm so mad" and you know what? maybe you should say "oh that's fine, don't worry about it." and than think to yourself "hey I can just relax at home." Knowing our society, R&R doesn't come too often and we should grasp every chance we have. Instead what do you do? You call me and clearly stating (whether it be intentional or not) that no one else could make go with you. Hmm... considerate much? Do not call me as a last resort, because I will, and have, start declining your invitations. Yes, if you haven't noticed, I have. ALSO, I do not appreciate you few as my friends, talking about me behind my back. No, I do not appreciate it, and I am pretty sure that if your friends talked about you constantly when you're not around you would not be too happy. I'm not implying that the few who talk are talking trash. Oh no, don't get me wrong, I know that you talk because you're concerned. But all the time? Seriously, do you know how many times you and I have talked about something, only to have you say, "Yeah, so-and-so and I were talking about you and...". Perhaps you few should stop. Really. And what about all the times that I've been left out of something that you few do. I don't say anything about it, but it bothers me, very much. As soon as you say something like that, I no longer want to converse with you, let alone be in the same room as you. I remember one time you drove me to an audition, and I love you for the support. We were done early so we decided to go hang out before you went to a party later that night. Off we went to a uptown asian mall, oh the fun we were having right? Than you wander off in conversation and say "So-and-so and I came here last week and she just walked through everything because she's been here so many times". Way to ruin it. I didn't bother to ask you why you went. I didn't ask why you didn't bother to ask, but I will remember this time and many others.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not holding any grudges, I'm simply expressing my discontent of "friends". Supposed family. Did you ever wonder why we stopped talking so often? Or why I am so cold and unconcerned? Remember when we would be excited to see each other? The days when we few would hang out everywhere, and stay together. I have given that love to others now. You have changed. I have changed. And we will walk different roads. You few have and will take the easier road, the road where everything is planned out. You will likely marry someone who will love you for a long time. Oh excuse me, I am mistaken, you few have already found that someone. That is the road you have and will take. The road where many have taken. With or without talent, With or without brains. That is where you have gone, the predictable road. And I? I have made the choice to take the road where many have taken, but few have succeeded. A road filled with many obstacles, scandals, and hardships. One where only people with talent can take. One where one must have brains to survive. The day will come soon where we must say our goodbyes because soon this road will diverge into two paths. You will turn right, and I will turn left. Our goodbyes will be unbalanced. Yours will be tearful because you will not be able to bare seeing me go. Mine will be sympathetic because I will be sad you do not see the reason why. My destiny has my name engraved in it, and it is far from you few.

p e r f e c t i o n < 3